I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
