When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
