how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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