I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
