Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
