He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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