Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
