Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
