Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
