Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
