You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
