he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
