I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Watching her eat just hurts me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
