Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
