Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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