I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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