Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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