do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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