Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize