I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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