people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize