I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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