Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
