Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
