This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
