Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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