You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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