He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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