Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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