the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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