Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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