you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
