New invention idea: vibrating tampons
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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