BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
