yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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