once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It was confusing and full of hummus
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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