i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
