walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
