If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have fence marks all over my body
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize