You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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