i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
