sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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