she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
