my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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