I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
