I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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