just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
