Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize