I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
