i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So squirting runs in the family.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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