just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
