Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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