The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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