half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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