Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
