i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
