how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
