Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
