all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
