Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
