I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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