kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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