omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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