How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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