my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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