I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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