Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
