Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I could fuck to npr.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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