Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
