did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
