I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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